So I keep on trying to be a better person, the Brian Nicholson self-improvement plan. What keeps on getting in the way is my brain chemistry. There are times, usually happening late at night, although not always, where my brain is just on fire with sharpness. These are the worst times to be be myself, with nothing to do. I write pretty well at these times. But these are the times where I want to lash out, dance and punch glass. This is when I cut my own hair, write a lot in one go, get excited, become happy with life, and have enough synapses firing that I can maintain a conversation, even though nothing's really happening of note.

Then there are the times that are the complete opposite of that. Exhaustion. This is when I am worst at social interaction, where the sarcasm becomes lazy and nihilistic, and what I mean as friendly joking comes off harsh because all I'm thinking is in terms of negativity. I say things I kind of mean but don't mean them that much. Like when I talk about hating hippies, or life, or myself... sometimes it's just an exhausted cliche, sorry to say. (This is the feeling I'm sure would dominate if I were drunk, only it would give way to violence.)

None of these things are actually affected by what goes on during my day. Because you know what happens to me during the day? Nothing. Nothing that should affect my mood one way or the other. Although, when I'm in my exhausted state and am around people, I'm bad at being around them, and once they leave, I look back at how bad I am with social interaction and that's when I start to feel like shit. There are other times when the exhaustion just stops me from talking to people, and I feel like shit than too, but it's the same brain chemistry. The exhausted times are times for reading and listening to music. Consuming art. I might not get excited about it at the time, but sometimes I get excited about stuff after the fact, when the feeling I discussed first kicks in, so I guess that's redemptive. It seems like this feeling would affect my opinions towards art, but no, not that much. I'll either like it or I won't, and then later, when I'm in the mood to be excited, I'll be excited about the things that were good.

Anyway, it's all a cycle, can't have highs without lows, etc. But man- when the lows kick in, I am not good at talking to people. I'm actually really bad at it. There's also the large middle ground which is just kind of nowhere, and I'm not good at talking to people, because nothing is happening in my life and I have nothing to say. And sadly, I don't even know if I'm in the low area or just the middle ground until I attempt social interaction and fuck it all up.

So yeah, there's some self-analysis. It's also a bit of an apology.