Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Just want to clear something up for those people here at college who don't know me very well, or I should say, who do know me very well, and just don't know my past.

The self-deprecation is not fishing for compliments. I don't do that. At high school, I appreciated a select group of people going "Brian jokes, but he's really a good person deep deep down." But I liked that there were a lot of people who probably just viewed me as comedian guy. And then there was the large group that hated me. It's shallow, but it's what I'm comfortable with. I know that people wouldn't hang out with me if they thought I was a total asshole, that can go unspoken. I feel so much more comfortable when I know there are people that think I'm a total dick. For one thing: Most of what I put forth is an asshole pose. I've said this before, but maybe not everyone has heard it: You can't express the sum total of your personality at once, so everything is a pose. If people have seen the part of me that's a good person, when most of what I put forth is TOTAL ASSHOLISHNESS and being contrary, it's like people have seen me naked. Way too many people have seen me naked.

For another thing: It's totally hilarious when people aren't in on the joke, especially when the people not in on the joke suck ass. Everyone is in on the joke, it seems. That joke isn't even some kind of complicated Kaufman-esque gag, it's the fact that sarcasm is completely different from being earnest. I really thought a lot of people at this school wouldn't get that. I expected this to cause me lots of giggles. Maybe some pain and whatever, but mainly just laughter. I can say the thing about hating hippies, no one gets that that's mainly in jest.

Of course, this thing exists, when is pretty much sarcasm-free. But the audience is limited, and everyone knows what my deal is. Well, the people I go to college don't know how many enemies I made, or how much joy that caused me. To both of these things the answer is the same amount: A lot. Why? Because I'm a dick, goddammit, a total fucking asshole.

No comments: