Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Feeling like I should write in this, but nothing to say. I feel like I should say that I'm sad or something, but, no, I'm not. I'm not excited for anything, haven't been for awhile. It's not like I'm content with that, like I realize that there are times when nothing seems to happen and there's nothing to be excited about.

I do realize that, but that's not why I'm not sad.

Hoping that made sense.

Other stuff: Someone thinks I'm gay. I should really do something about that.

Our school newspaper comics page is fucking terrible. I did something, which has its moments, but all that is wrong with all of the comics in the paper is wrong with my comic as well. It's poorly drawn, too much of that wackiness/misanthropy, too self-satisfied. The only difference is that mine is being made from someone who is funny, it just doesn't come through in the comic. I want to put something in the paper, on the comics page, that's GOOD. Like, really good, like art, with thought put into it and stuff. What I did is mental diahrrea, and I find my shits more interesting to look at then other people, but- what I did is really inherently disposable. Really "don't give it a second thought." Which is both ideal for the school newspaper and bad for me as someone trying to create something good and worthwhile. So, people at the school: Don't think of me when you see it. Just view it in the context of the paper in which it appears. It will be better. Just not that much better. I'm not proud of it.

Other things I'm not proud of: I laid down some rap thing I crapped out on Alex's computer. He's trying to make an interesting backing around it. Weirdly enough, despite me being so music-asshole-guy, I was somehow able to create outsider art. Apparently, I have no cadence at all. The beat is really fucked up, no groove at all. Much like the comic strip, totally disposable and weird and not very good. Outsider art. All logic suggests I shouldn't be able to create it. And yet, I did. It's almost a miracle but because of the logic, no one's going to view it as outsider art, everyone's just going to look at it as shit.

Looking back at this, it comes off sadder than I intended. When in reality I just feel ambivalent. It's like when someone selling you food tells you to smile, don't look so sad, and you were just doing your default facial expression.

This happens to me frequently.

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