Things are coming to an end. I had my last seminar this afternoon, finished reading White Noise, found a box large enough to hold most of my books and packed it and sealed it with duct tape.

More importantly, I found out that a really good friend, my first at Evergreen, is leaving. It was up in the air for a while there, but now it's sealed. Not only is she leaving, but two of the dudes in my class I got along with (probably the best) are leaving as well. What sucks is that this really isn't surprising: At this college, the people I befriend are the ones who are most likely to dislike it. Because, you know, there's a lot of bullshit at this college, and the people who don't see it as bullshit I want nothing to do with. I see the bullshit, but... There's a lot to like about this school as well. There's also a part of me not sure how I'd fare at a regular college anymore.

Some people I'm friends with are staying. My two best male friends at Evergreen will end up being my roommates come fall. Still, I'm going to have to make a lot more friends, and am going to have to work my ass off to find people that awesome. And they'll probably leave as well, once the horror strikes in. Fuck, I had a good program, and I had it all year. There's the possibility that I won't be as happy this time next year and will be fed the fuck up. I really don't know how the program I'm enrolled in is going to work out. Granted, I didn't know how Looking Backward was going to work out, and that ended up working out quite nicely. I blunder my way through life.

Loren and I watched The Dirty Dozen. He got it from Netflix thinking western, ends up being a World War II movie. Either way, Loren and I watched it, as ambassadors from Man Country to this here hippie college. A problem I have with World War II movies, or any war movie, is their glorification of the military, and by extension the whole "fall in line" mentality. Fuck the military. Some of you are now going "haha, you go to a hippie college and you fit in there, jackass" but: While I was bored/annoyed for most of the movie, when the Germans got fucked up and shit went BOOM the movie became all worthwhile.

During it, my mind turned to something weird to me that probably shouldn't be. That being: I'm pretty much done with my program. I have to do the whole self-evaluation bit, but that is it. The rest is packing and preparing to go back to Philadelphia. The weird thing is this: I'm coming back. Not in terms of the whole friends thing, although that probably adds to it in that it gives me less to return to, but in terms of... I'm going across the country. To the east coast. Then, come September, I'm back here. Not the same thing as last fall, where it was a big momentous move. It was an event.

All I feel now is a vague disconnect basically. Rather than taking the form of alienation from those around me, as it has in the past, it's more of a feeling of confusion as to my future. Way more than last year, when I knew where I was going. I didn't know what it would be like, but my life had a feeling of purpose and direction. It seems like a second year of college will just feel like limbo. Or at least that's how it's looking to me right now. It makes me regret how little writing I got done this year.

A life in limbo. High school felt like that too, I guess, but then I had a lot of friends, and a lot of enemies, and just basically knew where I stood. Those friends... I rarely talk to them. And I'm in a different place than they are, nowadays. Literally and figuratively.

And this summer I'll be living with my brother, probably seeing none of those friends, and probably not making any new ones either as I will not have that opportunity as I'll be living life through the filter of my brother. And most of my books and all my records will be in storage in Olympia. I'll have the laptop I'm typing this on, and a shortbox with some comics, maybe a few novels, and a notebook and a pen to call my own. I might not even have a bed. My only insistence is that I don't have the same job as last year, working with my dad. I expected the Summer to be spent in limbo, in isolation. That the fall will be much the same way is kind of a bizarre thought.

Yes: I know this is how life works. I have free will too, and that's kind of a bitch in a lot of ways.